Jea Dreams Of

1…

It was Saturday, ten o’clock in the evening when I started to feel my contractions getting more persistent and consistent. My family had plans on Sunday for Mother’s Day to go to mass and have breakfast. Our baby’s due date was next week but with the contractions being 5 minutes apart, I know that Gummy (the nickname I’ve been calling my baby) is wanting to meet me on this holiday.

My husband and I decided to wait it out until I really had painful contractions, as recommended by my sister-in-law (who was a L&D nurse and now working in the postpartum/mother-baby unit). Through the night, I labored it out.

2…

I didn’t anticipate this part of the birthing journey. Movies and even nursing school didn’t quite prepare me for the early labor portion. That was on me, I didn’t take any birthing prep classes, I just thought I’ll go through everything as it goes. I really thought that I’d be breaking my water at home and then we go to the hospital. But that’s not really how it goes, right?

The contractions felt like really really strong period cramps, but instead of it staying consistent, it got progressively worse and it came like waves. Every five minutes, I’d feel the sharp, digging sensation. I tried to nap or get some rest, but the pain & discomfort was enough to wake me up.

I started to groan and I felt bad for Dennis for having to hear me go through this. There where three things that helped with my pain management, the yoga ball (which I sat on while I was hunched over the side of our bed the entire night), heat packs and massage/applied pressure on my lower back. Through the night, it was a cycle of waking up in pain, counting, praying, swaying my hips on the ball, heat pack, falling asleep, and then waking up again.

I labored at home until 7:30 am in the morning when my husband and I decided to head to the hospital. I knew that our baby wants to come meet his mom right on Mother’s day.

3…

As I waddled through the hospital hallway and approach the OB Triage Unit, I thought to myself, “this is it, the moment we’ve been waiting for is here.” It fully dawned on me that pregnancy isn’t over until I deliver the baby. I was nervous, excited and fully aware of the weight & responsibility for me to bring my child to the outside world.

The medical staff started to address me as “Mama”. Conversations of “what a great way to remember Mother’s Day,” was the common theme as they placed me on a monitor, inserted my IV and confirmed that I was in labor. The cervical check by the doctor was uncomfortable, I was continuously still feeling the wave-like pain, and having the OB (which wasn’t my OB) dig through to see how dilated I am caused me to yelp in agony. What is getting me through is that I’ll be admitted to the room soon and I can get an epidural.

4…

It was around 10 am when my husband and I went into our room in the labor & delivery unit. The nurse admitted me swiftly and the anesthesiologist arrived to place my epidural. God Bless her as the catheter insertion was actually not as bad as I thought it would be. To compare, getting my IV or blood drawn was more painful than the epidural insertion. I can finally feel myself relax, smile and become chatty. Per my husband, it was looking at night and day.

I didn’t feel the pain any more and I was finally able to nap. I thought to myself, “this is nice. Maybe, I can fall asleep like my mom and mom-in-law and not feel any pain while pushing.” The epidural gave me much more than pain relief, but it gave me hope & confidence that I’ll have an easy time pushing and delivering.

Then my water broke at 12:45pm and I started to really push at 5:30pm.

5…

My doctor, Dr. D, monitored me and we decided that it was time to push. I was fully-dilated and my contractions are getting stronger where I can feel this pressure coming and going. As I felt the pressure, I pushed…

Pushing with the contractions felt weird. I was trying every type of deep push. Is it push like pushing poop? Do I push like contracting my Kegel exercise? Is it a combination of both? It was really hard to tell and I’m here trying to listen to my body.

6…

Dr. D recommended to removing the epidural early on in my pushing. It was really time as I felt that I’ve been pushing for so long (though it was only about almost two hours at this point). I told the doctor to remove the epidural to see if I’m able to feel the contractions and push with it better and this is when the labor starts to get intense.

At the beginning it was bearable. I FELT the contractions, which feel like the most intense period cramps but like also sharp, burning, tearing at the same time. I keep telling myself, so this is what a 9/10 pain feels like. I mention 9 because it still didn’t knock me out completely and I wasn’t screaming (I’m saving 10 for like being burned alive). But the encouragement of, “You’re almost there” and “you’re doing great,” continued to resound in the room.

As my husband held my left leg up, he kept on saying, “give me a few more. Our son is almost here, you’re so strong.” His words became my metronome.

7…

As I kept pushing for what felt like hours, I kept looking at the clock. Why is it stuck on 6:46pm? It was both, “where did the time go?” and “holy sh*t, it’s only been a minute?” At this point, exhaustion was really kicking in and I remember trying to push but I’d give out in the middle. Fatigue has now blackened my vision. I was in the middle of a persevering reality where I’m conscious, in prayer, asleep, in pain, and in hope.

8…

Throughout this journey and in the last few moments of my labor, I thought about all the mothers I know – my mom, my mother-in-law, my mom friends, my grandmothers – who went through this “initiation” before me. Inspired my their strength and beauty, I linked myself to what seemed like intergenerations of love, labor and strength of being a woman and a mom.

9..

I had to dig deep, I get to meet my son this Mother’s day. I get to hold him.

I recalled praying, “Lord, let this be the last one.” And my mantra, “to push is to love.”

I remember Dr. D saying, “Last push, he’s almost here!”

I hear Dennis say, “I can see him, he’s right there. Push Jea this is it. You got this, let’s go.”

10… Push!

That evening, Theo’s first cry filled the room. I can hear a resounding, “happy Mother’s day, you did amazing Mama.” I sat there in silence and in awe. I was processing what I went through as my OB placed his body on me. Like, wow, that really came out of me, he really came out of me.

My whole world was put on pause, shrunk to this 7-pound baby and expanded to our family. Mother’s Day will never be the same. I will never be the same.

Pushing my son out into this world was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. The “push” demanded a deeper strength. It’s like grip these side rails with all your might, pop the vessels out of your face until it swells, scream & grunt externally, deep breaths type of strength.

Push now means more than effort—it’s the moment I crossed into motherhood, guided by love, faith, and a tiny baby boy determined to arrive right on time.

Happy birthday, Theo Kye, my Gummy—and happy Mother’s Day to every woman who has ever pushed life forward in her own way.

Dennis and I are truly grateful for my OB, Dr. D, all of the amazing nurses and medical team who took care of me, Theo and my husband during our stay. From triage to postpartum, I felt spoiled, pampered and supported. I felt so safe and comfortable. This entire team showed that they truly cared for me.